A Day Not to Forget

November 18, 2019. The worst and best day of my life thus far. My entire life I have wanted one thing, to play hockey. In middle school, when most girls my age were worried about what their friends were doing that weekend, I was more concerned with how many times I was going to be able to go to a stick and puck or a drop in. Maybe 3 to 5 times. Enjoying every minute. Then in high school, when girls were planning their outfits to prom, I was with teammates and friends away at tournaments. To make a long explanation short, the main goal in my life thus far has been to play hockey, and more specifically college hockey. Being harsh on myself, I didn't achieve what I wanted exactly. I wanted to play Division 1 college hockey, however, I have learned throughout my years, that even if I didn't achieve what I wanted, I achieved something even better. I achieve the opportunity to be able to play hockey at a high level, anytime, and to have all the tools necessary to accomplish anything. I achieved endless hockey (for four years at least). I am now a postgraduate athlete at Utica College in Utica, New York. You might wonder, postgraduate? I will get to that in a moment. Hockey has, is, and will always be my life. I am not going to lie to you there were times that I hated hockey, that I wanted to quit and never look back. There were times that I felt more stress and more hardship from hockey than any other aspect of my life. I have learned though that even through all of that, nothing will ever beat the feeling of stepping on the ice, with my best friends. I will never take a day of hockey for granted ever again and here is why.

Fall of 2019 started out like any other school year. Hard workouts, ice sessions, and many nights of fun with the team ensured during the preseason. Soon to start my final season of playing college hockey, I was ecstatic. Picture a young, happy, excited college senior who had it all. An assistant captain, a soon to be graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Some might say that on November 18th my life changed for the worse, I say it changed for the better. November 18th was any typical Sunday. We had just returned home from an away hockey trip, a weekend not unlike any other for our team. Except for me. I had been battling what I had thought was a very bad cold for a few weeks now, and this weekend was the turning point in my sickness. I had always been in shape; in top shape, many would say. Throughout this sickness, that all went away. I was unable to compete at the level I once did. The work that I had always put in to be able to play hockey, disappeared as it seemed overnight. I remember times as a team we were asked to complete a suicide, which is a common term in hockey when the coach tells you to get on the line, knowing conditioning would ensue. I couldn't complete one, my lungs were not able to feed my body with the air my muscles so desperately needed. That Sunday was the turning point, so sick, so short of breath. Worried, my boyfriend took me into Urgent Care. After a few hours, I left with several bottles of antibiotics, a diagnosis of pneumonia, and a feeling of hope. I thought to myself "I finally have a solution; I will feel better soon. I will be able to play and actually compete in the games this weekend." That feeling later dwindled. I had a severe reaction to the antibiotics; this reaction was common to me. My boyfriend concerned suggested we go to the Emergency Room. His thinking was that something was terribly wrong. It is to my luck, my savior, that I listened to him. Arriving at the ER, due to my reaction I was unable to keep anything down. I figured I would be home sleeping in my bed later that night. I was wrong. After several tests and a concerned doctor's conference, it was ruled that this was not pneumonia, I didn't need to take the antibiotics that made me so sick. It wasn't in fact a sickness or infection at all. I had a sub-massive bilateral pulmonary embolism. Multiple, large blood clots in my lungs, cutting off the circulation to my body. I was in a fog, so concerned about what this meant for my hockey career, and my life. After life-saving measures, and a long transport to Albany Medical, I was stable. Words that resonated in my ear were from the doctor to my boyfriend "You saved her life by bringing her in here today, I am afraid to say that if she wasn't brought in when she was she would have passed away within a few hours." I was young, healthy, active, I ate right to fuel my body, and drank enough water daily. How could this happen to me? To make a long story short, November 18th was the day my life changed forever, this day lead to months of blood thinner, tests, and disappointments. I so longed to skate again and to be on the ice with my team, but for the remainder of my senior season, I did my best to help from the bench.

Throughout this past year, I have learned many lessons. You don’t know how much time you are going to have on this earth, you have to make every day count. My life, hockey, was taken from me that day. It was ripped out of my hands. Quite frankly it hung there in front of me for the last year just out of my grasp, because for the ten months following that day in November I had no idea if I would ever be able to play hockey again. Many times I would breakdown thinking about and regretting my last moments on the ice, my last game, and my last thoughts out there. If I had known those might be my last moments on the ice, I would have done them so differently. Even if my body didn't let me, I would have pushed myself for my team. I would have left every ounce of my being on the ice that night. Like many would be at first I was bitter, I didn't know what to do with my devastation. I was wrong to be bitter, I know that now after reflection. I know that everything happens for a reason and that I am where I need to be. I am thankful to be alive, thankful for my team and coaches. Fate is a word I used to describe what happened to me because every time I step on the ice, I leave it all out there. I strive to inspire those to leave it all on the ice, to put every ounce of their being into what they love because you don't know when it will end. When I think back on this last year, I am not upset with how it went, I am not angry at God or any higher power that made this year the way it was. I am thankful, thankful for the lessons learned, thankful for the people in my life, and willing to accept the fact that my life is a lot different than before.

Yesterday, was a year to the day that my life changed forever. I am on the ice, I am living every day, and I am striving to better myself. I couldn't give up on my dream of playing hockey, and I am still playing. I am a graduate student and I have all the time in the world to play hockey. To do what I have always wanted to do. My message is to the people who feel like quitting, get a new perspective. I couldn't count the number of times over the past year that I have thought that it would be easier to just throw in the towel and call it a career. That wouldn't be in the character of a hockey player. I put in the work so that I can continue to do what I love and I am doing it. I say that it was the worst day, because of the pain I felt. I say it was the best day because I gain an entirely new perspective on how to live my life, on what to cherish, and what to let go of. I learned who I am and what I believe over the last year. I struggled mentally and continue to struggle as I reintroduce myself into hockey and work to get my skills and strength back. Those struggles I want to share with you, with everyone. The game of hockey is complex and the training that goes into hockey is intense. Let's understand both the physical training and mental training that encompasses hockey, let's gain a new perspective. I will leave you with this. "It doesn't get any easier, you just get better."