I did it, but what now?

I did what the little girl in me wanted to do. I did it. I did it for three years. I lived the dream that still resides in me today. I played professional hockey. I made a living through playing hockey. I saw the world. I grew as a hockey player and a person. Why do I feel so lost? Every athlete gets to the point where they don’t know what the next option is. Everyone becomes lost only to find themselves again. I have only every been a hockey player. I lived and breathed to be a hockey player. I still live and breathe to be a hockey player. I want to still be a hockey player.

I have had a lot of time to reflect over the last few months. To say it has been a smooth and easy few months would be a lie. I don’t know who I am not waking up everyday knowing I will get the relief of playing hockey. Relief in my mind, for that small amount of time I am on the ice. Nothing else matters. Not where I am going, not where I am living, not how much money is in my bank account. For that time on the ice, the only thing that matters is hockey. Hockey who I am and the only thing that I have wanted to be. Everyone talks about athletes guilt. It is a real thing. I am feeling it everyday. For those of you who dont know, athletes guilt is the persistent feeling that an athlete hasn’t done enough, even when they constantly are working towards their goals. I have more guilt then I know what to do with. I did everything, and it still hasn’t been enough to make myself happy. I am scared, and afraid I don’t know how to be happy without playing hockey. Without training for hockey, without living and breathing hockey everyday.

I have such a beautful life. I have an amazing family, amazing boyfriend, amazing educations, amazing job opportunities. I can’t seem to get over the fact that if I continue down the path I am going, I will never be a hockey player again. Maybe a hockey coach, but never a hockey player. I will never get the feeling of scoring an important goal, I will never feel the frustration of missing an amazing pass or a wide open net. I will never get back the things I took for granted. I will never get to come home at the end of the day and know that I have another chance to make up for it on the ice tomorrow, or to continue the success I had that day the next. I see my beautiful life, but I dont know how to be happy with this beautiful life, without being a hockey player. I can play hockey again next year. If I wanted, but is it worth it? Is it worth the pain, the loneliness, the struggles each day. My mind is in pieces thinking of the options. My heart says yes, my brain says no. I dont know how to be anything other then a hockey player, but someday I will have to learn. My question is, is that time now? I dont know. Hockey has been my bestfriend for my entire memory, it has given me everything I have every wanted and needed besides my amazing family and environment where I grew up. Hockey has taught me how to be a good person. How to be everything I am. I am a hockey player and I don't know or want to be anything else.

So how do I move forward? How do I either accept never playing in the capacity I have played or how do I choose to go against my mind and play again. How do I give up everything I have ever been? How do I walk away from the environment and sport that raised me, that loved me, that changed my life in ways I never thought possible? I don’t know. Everyday training and grinding wasn’t work it was love. It was from God. It was a privalege. Do I move to coaching and make that my privalege? Do I become the best coach I can be? Or is it not time for that yet? Is it time to be a hockey player or is it time to step away? Time to let the hockey player in me die. Thats what this feels like. Like who I am is dying. Starving for oxygen, starving to continue.

I am afraid to let down those around me. They have only ever known me as a hockey player also. They don’t know the me that I will be after I finish playing hockey. They only know the part of me that I feel is dying. They will morn the hockey player in me just as I will. I have a contract in Turkey. I have a contract in Austria and one in Sweden. None of what I want, but I would still be a hockey player. I would still wake up everyday and feel relief in my mind. I would still get to do what I love, be who I am. But this same thing will happen next year. This same feeling will overcome me eventually. The hockey player in me will still have to die. I have the opportunities to coach and to affect more people then I could as a player as a coach. Do I take that? Do I give my love back to hockey in that form?

We never know what’s next but hockey has taught me that thats okay. I need to control what I can and move forward. Even if it is hard. Even if I feel like all I have ever known is dying. Maybe I will be a hockey player again. Maybe I wont. But I will move forward. I could write love letters to hockey everyday for the rest of my life, thanking god and this sport for giving me everything I have ever been, wanted and needed. For today, for tomorrow I am a hockey player and we will see what’s next.