Contemplating the End.

Every athlete plays their last game, has their last practice, and scores their last goal. The inevitable fact of athletics is that there will always be an end, no matter who you are. For those of us who play high impact sports such as hockey, the end comes sooner than is ever expected or ever wanted. For many athletes the end is devastating. Many athletes, struggle with a loss of identity greater than expected possible because their sport has been the main focus of their life since they were old enough to walk.

(First picture: My first set of my own hockey gear, my previous gear was always hand-me-downs from my older brother, Age 4. Second picture: From my junior year of college. Playing Stevenson University at Home.)

For myself, I have felt like my end and the end to my hockey career has been looming in my future for the last year. I always pictured my end to be because I was ready to walk away from the sport I loved, or because I had found something that I loved as much if not more than hockey. I always figured that when I was ready to walk away, it would be the easiest decision of my life, because I knew that something or someone would be there for me to pour my love into. Contemplating who I will be, what I will feel, and what I will do, when my hockey career is over, are thoughts that devastate me to no end. I often think that my career might already be over. What if I don't ever get the opportunity to play competitively again? I know who I am at this point in my life, but that is because I have hockey, I have an identity that I am proud of and strive to improve upon. When that is gone, I don't know who I will be. Many might say that I will always have hockey. True, but not in the sense that I have had for the last 20 years of my life. Hockey has made me a better person, has shaped my work ethic, and has taught me every aspect of my being in one way or another. Hockey is my outlet, when nothing is going right, hockey will make it better. I always pictured myself playing college hockey and striving for the opportunity to play after college. I pictured having all the time in the world to come to terms and be ready to walk away from hockey. With COVID, with how my life has played out over the last year, my picture is fuzzy.

Life is so uncertain at the moment, that it is uncertain if we will play a game this year. Is hockey worth my future? Is a hockey career more important to me than my professional career, than my relationships with the people I love? Are the sacrifices I am making now to play hockey, that beneficial to my future? I ask myself these questions daily. Not to make myself miserable with the thoughts, but because I take this decision so seriously. As of right now, I cannot picture who I would be without hockey. When I think of my professional career, I assume that it will always be there. But what if it isn't? For my relationship with the people I love, I assume anyone that truly loves me will support me no matter where I live, what I do, and how I choose to spend my time. But what if they don't? I guess I try to tell myself that why would I want people in my life that make me choose between what has made me who I am and the sport I have loved my entire life and loving them and being with them in my future. I am 22, I have, if I am lucky, around 75 amazing years left to live, why can't I spend a few of them doing what I love? This struggle of contemplating the end has been an impacting force on my mental health. How does one consider leaving behind such an impactful aspect of their life? I am thinking that when it comes to a decision such as this, you have to do what feels right. If you can walk away and never look back, more power to you. That isn't me, that isn't how I am choosing to do this. I cannot just rip the bandaid off. I guess this is my way of understanding my thoughts and my feelings, writing them out, typing them up, and sharing them with all of you. I have read articles about once you decide to do something, you start putting positive energy into that something, and by doing that things automatically fall into place. In the past when I have tried to make a decision such as this, and I jump into the decision with two feet, it has always worked out to my benefit. For example, when I chose to come back to school for my fifth year, I jump in with two feet and was the happiest I have ever been. I think about doing that for a sixth year, but I can't shake the feeling that if I do this, I will lose more from jumping into my sixth year than I did with my fifth. I don't know how to shake this feeling. I feel selfish for wanting something that only benefits me. I feel selfish for thinking about my happiness over those that I love. I think to myself, however, that if I don't go back, the devastation of not finishing what I started or finishing my hockey career will impact the rest of my life negatively with regret. Regret that I worked so hard for something I never finished, regret that I wasn't good enough or dedicated enough to have the drive and pursuit to do what is best for me. If I don't play, I won't be the person that the people in my life want for the rest of their life. If I do play, I won't get the opportunity to try and be the person they want for the rest of their life. When thinking only about myself, and not how my life impacts those around me, I have to play, I have to finish what I started. I have to continue my love for hockey. Lots of decisions and feelings to comb through and understand. We shape our own reality and in the end, everything we do is what is best for us.

"there will be some things you won't get over. some things that will sting so hard they will set you back where you started. and you will hurt and hurt and hurt. but you will also rise from it. you will learn from the past. and you will adapt and survive no matter how hard it gets. you will shape your own reality and accept, how you should never settle for anything less than you deserve."

-r.m. drake