Waiting

I am exhausted. Not physically. Mentally. I am having difficulty putting it to words. Is this what I want anymore? Do I want to continue this grind? In many ways yes, but in many ways no. The life of an athlete is comprised of high highs and low lows. I think my lows are getting too low and I am finding it difficult to stay afloat. I am sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for an answer from a team to see if I will stay in the SDHL and I have never felt more alone in my entire life. Family to far. At times like this I wish I could be with my parents and sister. I am tired of having where I have been affected where I am going. I was told I would never play in the SDHL because of where I played college hockey. I made it here, but I feel that it is still affecting my outlook on perspective teams. Making me undesirable to teams just because it wasn’t the highest level. If I could just get to this team, I could show them who I am, I am just praying that I get the chance. The waiting is making me question what I am even doing. I see my teammates sign with teams and I think to myself that I have attributes that they don’t that set me apart, but they played in a more desirable league. I have never in my entire life felt like my status (hockey social) would determine where I could and couldn’t go. I have always felt that if I show them with my skills I wouldn’t have to worry about where I came from, but I am finding out more and more that where I played in college matters no matter how good I am. This is the only dream that I have ever had, and I feel as though it is coming to an end. I know that I can go to a D1 program and work my way back, but I am feeling mentally tired. Even getting out of bed today was hard. I did it but it was hard, and I am not sure that I want to continue. I am afraid to disappoint my family. Obviously, I will but it is going to take everything in me to do so. This is my dream, but I also have a life outside of hockey, I am nurse, and I love many other things, should I walk away from hockey? I hope to hear back soon because I am tired of waiting and praying and hoping that I will be enough.